These things are guaranteed to make their hubbies want to run out of the house Wylie Coyote style. Remember the Looney tunes where he would leave the burning outline of his body in the wall as he ran away?
Five ways to ensure you drive your husband crazy...
1) Trust your emotions and pay close attention to every thought and feeling. Don't remind yourself that feelings are fleeting and random, just go with them. "Trust them" as the popular cultural message says, "Honor your heart."
Sure you may have raging PMS and your dog just died, but when you start "feeling" that it is your husband's fault, get it off your chest. Call him at work and let him know how he hurts you with his disrespect. The way he leaves those dishes on the counter (he knows they go in the sink!) and when he left the toilet seat up last week, how you fell in in the middle of the night (he was so unthoughtful to do that to you.)
2) When Betty-Sue-Better-Than-You brags about how her husband makes dinner every night, gives one long foot massages, and does all the 3am feeding, take it for the absolute truth! Be sure to tearfully tell your husband all the ways he has let you down. Get it off your chest, you'll feel better! Your husband will have a revelation, and change his ways immediately!
3) Assume everything he does revolves around you. When he leaves his boxers on the floor, right by the hamper, assume it is a personal insult to you. Let him know you won't put up with it.
When you tell him this- be sure to make your voice as loud and shrill as possible. If at all possible, wear your nastiest old clothes, dirty hair and yesterday's mascara still under your eyes. He'll really want to shape up then!
4) Gain forty pounds and get depressed about it. When your husband goes out for a jog, start feeling bad about yourself and attack him. As he puts on his workout clothes be sure to let some zingers fly....."Oh, you are going running. I guess you are making up for the beer and Doritos you had last night." or "What? You have time to run, but can't make time to spend talking to me?" Of course, these are best said while looking like you did in example #3! Going on the attack will save you from having to deal with your bad feelings!
5) Be sure to be obsessed with one-up-ing him. During a fight, keep raising the stakes, just to show him who's boss. When you fight about the finances- let him know he can't properly take care of the family. Insult his sexual ability. Tell him his Momma is crazy. Did he get a ticket last month? Remind him! If that's not enough, throw in the D-word! "Oh, yeah, well, if that's how you feel........maybe we shouldn't be together anymore. We need to get a divorce."
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Of course, you don't want a divorce, but by the time you've done all five of these things......he will!
"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears her's down."
- Proverbs 14:1
I love that verse from Proverbs... yes, we do it to ourselves. This was funny, but telling... the humor comes because we recognize parts of it as familiar. Thank goodness for gracious husbands and a God who doesn't give up on us! It's a work in progress, yes, it is...Sometimes it's good to get a good look in the mirror! Thanks for the laugh and the golden nugget of TRUTH. Jen
Posted by: Jennifer | September 10, 2007 at 12:23 PM
Love it! And Jennifer you are so right!
Posted by: Honeybell | September 10, 2007 at 01:06 PM
I am the Queen Mother of "getting it off my chest" and "trusting my feelings". Your post makes me want to call him up and tell him I'm sorry!Love your blog and look forward to more visits!
Posted by: Xandra | September 10, 2007 at 02:19 PM
now that WAS funny!!:)you cracked me up today...thankfully I don't do ANY of those things on a regular basis...no FOOLISHNESS here!!loved it!!lori
Posted by: lori | September 10, 2007 at 02:56 PM
You're so freakin' funny and wise. It's not fair you're gorgeous, too.Left you a little somethin' somethin' on my blog...
Posted by: Christine | September 10, 2007 at 06:55 PM
Wow, this cracked me up! Great post, I love what you did with the topic.:)
Posted by: Christine | September 10, 2007 at 07:35 PM
Love that verse - and how about all of the ones about a contentious wife and it being better to live on the roof or in a desert than with one! ( :Great post! ( :
Posted by: Mandi | September 10, 2007 at 09:03 PM
Thanks for stopping by... just thought I would let you know that I only list people within my own personal communities on MyBlogLog if they have added me as a contact. Let me know if you have questions on how that works via MyBlogLog. Thanks!
Posted by: Angela | September 10, 2007 at 10:11 PM
I'm not married yet, but i will keep this handy for when I am. I'm sure I'll be the World's Greatest Wife. The advice are really great. Thanks for sharing the...erm...wisdom. Hahaha!
Posted by: Gloria | September 11, 2007 at 08:30 AM
I found your blog while blog-hopping & I love it!!
Posted by: Amy | September 12, 2007 at 09:50 AM
LOL! Gee, that sounds really familiar...not because I've ever done anything like that of course! Ah, the lessons one learns once they are finally divorced.
Posted by: piper of love | September 12, 2007 at 02:16 PM
I love it. Oh my....I may send this link to my husband. Too hilarious.I mean I am NEVER PMS driven or moody or anything.Cough.
Posted by: BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) | September 12, 2007 at 02:45 PM
Fantastic post! A must-read for every SAHMmy!
Posted by: SAHMmy Says | September 19, 2007 at 11:30 AM