Gentle Art of Ruling Your Husband-Where You Been, You Sexy Thang?

Yay, You made it to week two! Welcome back.

How was it? Was the experience as painful as imagined? Hopefully not. Be sure to let me know your experience and thoughts via email and comments!

Here are some quick questions to think about-

• When you became aware of all the testicle shrinking comments were you surprised by their frequency?
• By the end of the week, did you find your hubby wanting to talk and be around you more?
• Was hubby more loving and kind?

Keep in mind that husbands emotionally withdraw from their wives when any of these things occur-

• He feels that he can not please you.
• His advances (not just the sexual ones) are met with rejection.
• He is treated with disrespect, or bad-mouthed to the children or your girlfriends.
• If he is constantly told he doesn't measure up.
• If he is treated with the "Men are idiots/fools." attitude.

Hopefully, you were able to stop the bleeding by stopping all negative comments and criticism. If so, I'm sure you are seeing some wonderful changes in him and your whole family. If not, there's no time like the present to start that transformation.

How do I know it will work? Unless your husband is a serious case***, he would walk on his hands through fire for you and to be treated well with love and appreciation. It's just simply human nature!

Take a look at the Fussy Report Card-

Yes, change is hard and it is a process, so keep up with becoming more aware of any tendency to verbally squash him like a little fly. Oh, Yeah, I know you can squash him- Don't! Remember we want him to keep his testicles!

Week 2 is called- 'Where ya' been, you sexy thang?'

Stop snorting, Ladies. Your thoughts are burning through the screen right now..."Sexy? I am a SAHM, driving a minivan, and often sporting spit-up spots on my clothes. I can't even imagine sexy." OK, OK, we'll get to sexy later. How about 'Where ya' been, you happy thang?'

Happy? Do you remember happy? It's hard, the drudgery of 24-hour nurturing of children, the rough years in marriage while raising kids, the financial sacrifices, the loneliness. We all feel it at one time or another. A general lethargy that, if left unchecked, can lead to depression. Add hormones, postpartum depression, and lack of sleep and it is a recipe for heartache.

What do we do with that heartache and disappointment? Many times it seeps out, indirectly, at the one person with whom we feel most safe. Yep, that Big-Lug you married. We aren't going to take it out on our friends. They wouldn't stand for it. That Big-Lug, he will.The least we can do in marriage is treat each other with the same common courtesy we give strangers!

How did the disappointment in marriage take hold? Simple, post-modern women have been disillusioned by false images of what marriage is. In magazines, on sit-coms, and even college courses we are lead to believe in the 50/50 marriage. When we marry with sky-high expectations it is a recipe for disaster.

Studies show the number one predictor of marital happiness is how much housework the husband does. For some reason women feel that if he loves us like he should, then he'll clean the kitchen. If your husband, like mine, was raised with a father who didn't lift a finger, he will follow that model. Especially if your hubby is a bit sloppy himself! You are stuck. No amount of nagging will change him. Your only hope will be to teach your children well, and live with it.

We all have our own version of marital porn fantasies. How about this one- He'll go to work and come home, cook dinner, clean up, diligently do half of the housework, bathe the kids, put them to bed, and rub our feet by candlelight. Now that is fantasy.

Of course marriage is disappointing, if we are led to believe it's all equal and sunshine and rainbows, it's not what we expected at all. Sure, some husbands do all this and more. That is totally one in a million. It seems as though your friend's husbands behave themselves, why can't yours?

Stop comparing husbands, because you never know what lies behind closed doors!

Lesson one, Friends of Fussy, women lie to eachother. Lies are overt or of omission, but they are lies. When you are out with another couple, do not be sucked into thinking how much nicer Betty-Lou's hubby is compared to yours. Husbands are better behaved in front of guests- aren't we all? Do you tell all your friends at the Junior League every thing Hubster does wrong? Neither do they! So stop comparing your big lug with other women's husbands.

For all you know, Mr. Smith down the street may have a Napoleon Complex and flip out if the towels aren't straight. What about Cute-Dad in the carpool lane? For all you know, the Mrs. may have to dress up in a French Maid outfit and dance an Irish jig for him.

Yes, your Big-Lug leaves his dirty boxers all over the floor, he leaves chest hair on the bar of soap (gag), and teaches your babies to burp the national anthem, but in the grand scheme of things- it's not that bad. Don't let yourself get sucked into the trap of rumination over all the things that are negative. Learn to focus in on what you love about him. Remember what you focus on gains more and more strength in your life.

Your mission this week-

1) Ask yourself this question, don't edit yourself, just say what pops in your mind.

"What needs to happen for me to feel happy?"

Take some time this week and really think about that answer, and all the other answers that pop for you.

For your hubby, your children, and yourself- your mission this week is to think about what you need. (I, Fabulous Mommy Fussypants, grant you, Friend of Fussy, permission to have needs and take care of them!) Think about how you can invest in yourself. Starting today, don't make a big announcement about it, start carving out a little time (5 minutes) to relax and get your bearings.Write down some ideas that pop in your mind.

2) Gratitude- the gift you give yourself. Focus in on your blessings this week. Your life is wonderfully imperfect and full of sorrows and joys, that is just life! We, as American Women are the luckiest in the world, most of the women of the world live in poverty, lose their babies due to illness, and withstand a horrid amount of abuse. Forgive the downer, but perspective is needed here. Everyday, be grateful for the freedom, safety and luxury that surrounds us!

3) Your Peeps- kick out the emotional downers. God designed us as social beings. As women, studies have shown that our level of happiness is related to our level of close, loving friendships. Grab your most trusted best friend and sit and vent about life together, and you'll both feel better. Sit and vent to hubby, and he'll want to throw himself off a cliff because he'll be powerless to fix it for you! If you want sympathy and understanding, call your best friend. If you want a problem solved with out sympathy and a pat on the back, call your hubby. Stop fighting human nature, it is just how it works.

One more thing, drop the toxic friends. You know they subtly put you down, talk only about themselves, and leave you feeling bummed after every encounter. Life is too short to spend time with emotional vampires!

4) Take care of your health, Honey. The way to come back from the edge of mommy-martyrdom is to get healthy. (Now, Stop it, You there. I hear what you are saying. Stop with the excuses, just do it. Go for a walk, throw the Cheeto's away and you WILL feel better!) There are tons of links on Sundays here at Fussypants about healthy living, fightin' the frump, all around fabulous tips for a better life. Great stuff for ya'.

5) Yes, you must keep up with biting your tongue. I'm sorry, Ladies, but it takes a while. Old habits die hard and establishing new ones take time. Every time you catch yourself about to tell him about what a sorry you-know-what he is, think about it, and weigh your options on how to handle him. Sometimes it is just best to let it go.

William James once said, "The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."

And remember....

Now, a few questions have come in that need a public address-

1) .....and how do you think you can just change a man through these old-fashioned ways? ...(rude portions omitted)

My methods are not meant to force a man to change. No matter how much women want men to change, they won't. However, by making yourself over, and employing a few cheap psychological tricks tips, most men can and will change happily!

2) ...Giving women a sense that they should just be doormats is unhealthy and dangerous....

Sheesh! What's with all the hate? Now, that is just ridiculous! I absolutely do not advocate women being doormats, if anything, I believe women rule the home!

Seriously, if any woman is with a man who is abusive (verbally, physically, emotionally) she should seek help immediately. My Gentle Arts tips are for the average married gal with a seemingly oblivious, football watchin', Doritos eatin' hubby.

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***Definition of a serious case- if your husband is abusive, addicted to a substance or pornography, a serial adulterer, or mentally ill. If this is your hubby, please stop reading and see a Christian Therapist for help.

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Keep it up, Ladies!

• The Gentle Art of Ruling One's Husband- Week One.
• Fight the Frump Series

Comments

[Heather]

Awesome post, Fussy!! I had the "luxury" of being single for a number of years before Hubby came on the scene, so I also had the luxury to work on lots of unhappiness issues. So now I consider myself a generally happy, positive person. But I do notice when I come out with the occassionally sharp, shrew-like comment, that his reaction is withdrawal.

Having a new baby, we have really, REALLY had to put more work into our relationship lately. But knowing that we are partners, in housework, in child-rearing, and in ministry, makes the hard work worthwhile.

Thanks for the great words of advice and encouragement!

[Heather]

PS. Thanks for the birthday shout out! I'll be posting about my birthday presents tomorrow!

[Heather]

Hmmmmm.

Wanting to change someone. Dangerous territory me thinks.

Queen of Shake Shake thinks work on yourself. Your own transformation will change lots of other things on their own.

SWAK!

[Secret Agent Mama]

Great post! My husband is gone a lot with his job and we had a big realization this spring, in regards to our relationship, so we have a new found relationship. Regardless of that, Fussy, this post was excellent. I loved it, and I love your blog!

[the egel nest]

I LOVE to read what you esteemed and wonderful women think about us men :)

Very interesting!

Bradley
The Egel Nest

[Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants]

Bradley- Are you sneakin' in, and collecting our secret plans again? :)

Heather- So happy you dig it!

Queenie- I hear Mike Rowe reads my blog, too!Mike Rowe + Queen of the Shake Shake = SEO Rankage!

Secret Agent Mama- I'm thrilled you like it. Thanks so much for reading.

Fussy is off to think up more tricks! :)

[Hollie]

I have been reading your blog off and on for a while...as a homeschooler with 3 kiddos myself it is difficult top be her regularly...but I wanted to comment on this series you are doing and the negative comments you have gotten.

I have to testify that things like this will work to give you a better marriage. I began using some strategies similar to these a few years ago and it has made a drastic change in my marriage...and really most of the change was with me. It was my attitude toward my husband that was changing, and really it was my behavior that was different. It just so happened that dh was affected by it.

really many of your commentors are right...you cannot change your husband or anyone for that matter. but you can change yourself..and if there happens to be positive fall out from the process so be it.

and let me tell you...

when you respect your husband...there will be positive fall ou!!!

sorry that was so long

blessings

[themommykelly]

Oh, my goodness, Fussy! Do you live at my house or are you just omniscient? Holy smokes! Everyone should read these posts! I mean it!

It is so amazing how God puts just the right people (and the right blogs) in our lives just when we need them.

Um, I think the bunny ate my homework. I'll go back and do it again!

[Amy]

Fussy, you are beyond awesome. You are wise and articulate and you should be obeyed by all women who desire to be Awesome and Fussy and Non-Frumpy.

And my earrings, BTW, are GORGEOUS! Somehow they have this color-morphing quality where they sort of match whatever I'm wearing. I've hardly taken them off.

All bow down to the Awesome, All-Knowing, Tres Chic Fussy!

[Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants]

~blush~ :)

[Karla ~ Looking Towards Heaven]

it is sad that anyone would look at what you have written and consider it a bad thing.

These are all very very good suggestions and doing them does NOT a doormat make!

Blessings,
Karla

[Alicia]

I just discovered you day before yesterday, so I'm kind of doubling up on the homework. And it is painful to bite my tongue! Today he said to one of our kids, "Do I look like your mom? Because I'm not about to clean up after you!" Aaargh. That one hurt to not react to. Help me, fussypants. Good news; I've seen him smile more in the last 2 days than I have in the last 2 years. Wow! I am officially a loyal follower.

[Crystal]

Love your blog, I do have to dispute one thing though:

"If your husband, like mine, was raised with a father who didn't lift a finger, he will follow that model."

My husband had that lazy father and yet for the past nine years has split the housework evenly (sometimes taking on the lion's share - esp post partum).

There is something to say for the fact that men are not their fathers just as we are not our mothers.

I know we're a rarity with both of us working, doing the child-rearing and splittin' it even with the chores. As long as you're both happy with your partnership it works!

[Alison]

Oh my gosh, you are making me think and cracking me up all at the same time! I LOVE your blog already and I just tracked to it from Like Merchant Ships 20 minutes ago. Can't wait to read everything you've already written!

[Mrs. Emily Anne Arroyo]

Fortunately, for me... I came across your blogger by accident. And reading parts of your page was such an eye-opener! A BLESSING, in disguise!

You truly are a great lady. Your words of wisdom are not just healing. They are also humorous as well as insightful and I thank you for them. They really are a means to creating a happier, healthier ME! Which is what's resulting in a better relationship between me and my hubby. And hopefully, the improvements I've already noticed will continue to enrich my life. Thanks, again! <3

~ Emmy~ (your *newest* fan)

[karna]

men want respect ... do that and you'll hear them singing.. what a sweet sound that is.. you can 'hear' the contentment.

great series
and i got a kick out of the let them keep their testicles banner HAHAHAAH