The Gentle Art of Ruling your Husband- Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Welcome back, Fabulous Friends of Fussy!

Here is a quick list of what we have done-

• We have learned to censor ourselves, so we don't turn in to old hags.
• We have examined what our preconceived expectations of marriage were.
• We have faced the disappointment of the realities of marriage.
• We have started thinking about what makes us happy.

Whew! Last week was packed full! I received so many emails asking if we could spend more time on one of last week's topics before moving on. More conversations about our own sense of happiness and well-being was requested most of all. Let's get on it...

We can't properly rule our husbands until we are happier in our own skin!

We simply rely on our husbands for way too much emotionally. Despite what we expect from them before marriage, emotional support on a day-to-day basis is just not likely. When was the last time your hubby called a friend and said, "Hey, Jim, I've felt bummed all day.  I just wanted to talk about it, and then I'll feel better." Not so much, right?

Sure, every marriage is different and your hubby could be the one that wants to be called often to discuss every thought and emotion that makes up your day. Somehow, I doubt it.

Women have always relied on each other for support and encouragement through forming strong, close-knit communities. In our generation, extended families are spread all over the country and moves due to job requirements are common. What are we to do?

The best thing to do is to set up the loving, close friendships that we need. These can fill the void left by saying goodbye to what is familiar. Do not let yourselves be stuck in the house, alone, with tiny children. Your brain will leak out of your ears.

My married life is one long example of learning how to set up these new friendships. In 10 years of marriage we have moved 8 times through 6 states. Most of these moves have been due to my hubby climbing the corperate ladder. As a shy gal by nature, who never planned on leaving my hometown, it took some adjustments! Through the years I have learned to be a shameless self-promoter. (My contests ring a bell?) I've had to go find people and say, in essence, "Let's be friends." It still terrifies me. But, I do it, anyway.

So how does a stay home mom find new friends? I found the best places are your local M.O.P.S. chapter and Women's Bible Study groups. In every city I've lived, I have found some really wonderful, lifelong friends this way. Junior League and Moms Groups- not so much. But, hey, that's just me.

Women, by nature, need a sense of community. If you do not have a strong support system, get on it!

Don't get in a contest of misery at the end of the day!

When Mr. Smartypants used to come home from work, and I had first begun to stay home with our first baby,  I would start a misery contest to prove how hard I worked all day. I would tell him how exhausted, lonely, bored, busy I had been with our son. He heard the play by play of all his meals, poopy diapers, tantrums, nap issues, and every. little. thing. I wanted him to validate all I had done, and the tedious nature of it all.

Not one to be outdone, Mr. Smartypants would tell me of the crazy stories from his workday.

This would go on until we were both in this contest to prove whose day had been harder. Why? I wanted validation and for him to tell me what a great Mom I was. He, being a competitive guy, was just trying to one-up me. That's just his nature.

If I told Mr. Smartypants that my arm was sore, he would one up me. He would tell me his was hurt, too. If I told him mine was broken, he would tell me his arm was caught in a hunting trap and he had to gnaw it off like a rat to escape. I love that man.

So what would happen because of the contest of misery? I became a miserable hag, desperate for him to say, "Wow, Honey, You are the greatest.  I don't know how you do it. Our son is so lucky to have you, and so am I!" After that, I would've liked some roses, massage, or a small, discreet alter made to worship me.

Much to my surprise, none of these things ever happened. Mr. Smartypants just started watching a lot of TV in the evenings. He likes to tune-out when I get grumpy.

By chance, I learned to vent all my annoyances about being alone with small, non-verbal children to my best girlfriend. She was also in the same boat. We camped out at outdoor playgrounds and Chic-fil-a playlands and let our little monkeys run wild. I learned not to burden Mr. Smartypants with every little bad thing that happened everyday.

He began to watch less TV and started complimenting me on what a wonderful job I was doing. It dawned on me that I was much happier, I could vent to my girlfriends (Because that's what we do!) and then feel better, instead of trying to prove to him how hard I had worked all day!

Go develop your own support community, Friends of Fussy! Take that pressure of your hubby, he's just not made for it!

This week your mission is to keep up the good work!

1. Let hubby keep his testicles. Treat him as if he were the man you want him to be. He will, eventually, get there!
2. Focus in on the beauty of your life. The everyday kisses, toasty covers on a chilly night, a cute toddler in new matchy-match PJs, and all the little things we take for granted. Gratitude is the gift you give yourself!
3. Keep developing loving, supportive friendships and lose the friends who are emotional downers!
4. Make some healthy changes. Go for a walk, put down the Cheetos, invest in yourself. Yes, it is a hassle, but, it you are so worth it!
5. Sorry, but keep biting your tongue. Vent to your best girlfriend instead!

Missed a Week? Go & do your homework, Girl!

1. The Gentle Arts Primer
2. The Gentle Arts- Week 2

Love to you all, Mrs. Fussy Fussypants

Thanks to wonderful Shannon at http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/

Comments

[Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas]

Fussy, you are so wise. So wise. My friend and I recently started a Moms Group with once a month gatherings. Few women are coming. We're inviting around 15 and like 2 or 3 are showing. (And no one RSVP's anymore. Didn't their momma's teach them?) We are inviting moms we thought would love the moms night out opportunity. We're going to stick with it for 6 months (it's been 2 months). Depressing.

[~JJ!]

Oh Wise one...where have you been all my life?...And I'm not being facetious...I totally mean it.

I could really have used you in the past few years...

This is some great advice.

I am a hermit by nature and have two old friends.. I have a hard time making and keeping new friends...it's a thing I have...I'm serious.

So I depend on The Pro for many things a good girlfriend could do for me...

I wish we were neighbors.....

[Heather]

I have been blessed the last few years with AWESOME girlfriends! Now, I am trying to making the transition to mommy friends, too. I love my life, but it has been quite a transition from working in the corporate world to staying and working from home. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I totally see the need for a woman's perspective on the emotions that I feel. My hubby tries to understand, but there some things only a girlfriend gets.

Great post, Fussy!!!

[Krissy]

I could have wrote this entry....
I am a stay-at-home mom too and so many days my husband and I were in competition. I would periodically call him througout the day to give him the play-by-play of my hard, hard life (sarcasim)! He would do the same thing. It finally got to a point where we were on the phone 90% of the daytime! Sad, but true! I changed things up and stopped calling, he started appreciating me too! I also offered my help to his job to make life a little easier on him....it worked and he was a happier sole! Grumpy men are lick bill collectors, you tend to ignore them!!!

I also believe the bedroom is the best place to make your hubby where a smile all day! It works for me!

Keep on giving the good advice. I moved into a new community as well and I have since found the bestest friends EVER!

[the egel nest]

I am seriously enjoying your advice...and passing it along to the beautiful wife...ironically, we practice a lot of what you preach :)

Bradley
The Egel Nest

[moosh in indy.]

I tried to ask my husband for a compliment beyond "You're hot with nice boobs" and it turned into a "You wish I were a gay man" saga.
Ugly.
From now on I am a pupil of Fussy's School of Demure Housewife Overlords.
Is that not what it's called?
Eh.

[Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants]

Moosh- I'm supposed to be the witty one! That was brilliant! :)

Amy- No, people aren't raised right anymore. No one RSVP's anymore. Gah!

JJ- We're moving soon. We might just be neighbors! Hee, hee. (We have NO CLUE where we are going. Where ever he gets a job!)

Heather- Mommy friends are the best.

Krissy- I haven't worked up my nerve to discuss bedroom stuff, yet. What will the kids say when they read it one day? Oh, the worries... :)

Bradley- I'm officially glad that you spy on us now! Tell Beautiful Wife hello from the girls!

Love to you all!
Alli

[themommykelly]

Fussy, talk about an instrument of the Spirit. Girl! Everything you are saying coincides with everything my spiritual director has been telling me! Whew! Uncanny!

[Guilty Secret]

Great post! My boyfriend and I aren't married and don't have any children (yet) but this was still brilliantly useful. Thanks :)

[stacie]

Oh! Ren and Stimpy, right? Happy Happy Joy Joy!
I couldn't agree more with your musings. Well said.

[Karla ~ Looking Towards Heaven]

this is perfectly timed for me, Alli!

I am trying to work on the girlfriend situation too. We moved a lot in the last 10 years, so I really don't have any close friends... I usually end up feeling like a silly awkward high schooler...

blessings,
Karla

[Sleeping Mommy]

I've been lucky enough to have a husband who talks to me about his troubles and listens (mostly!) to mine as well. He lets me vent and I'm his sounding board as well.

However, I could sure use the help with making more friends. That's always been the hardest thing for me and now that I'm married with kids it just has been that much harder.

Great post Fussypants!

[TX Poppet]

Excellent advice. The best marital advice I received was from our priest before the wedding. "You will not be growing old with your parents, your friends or your children. There should never be any question who comes first." That little nugget has sustained us through nineteen years of bliss.

[maria]

Love,love,love this stuff! So necessary to be said, heard & applied! Everyone (I thought) was scared to say, hear or heed such life & marriage saving advice...I learned through the school of getting to know the Word & then trial & error of learning to apply in a style that fits us...

Keep it goin! I hope that you will find a home that is wonderful and beautiful and that you will keep bloggin' thru it!

Maria

[CanadianCarrie]

I totally needed this right now!! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!

[Mommy Cracked]

That's good stuff!!

[karol]

Exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Thanks for that! Off to be kind to my hubby.

[Britni]

I love this post. I actually started a married wives play group so that a group of us women could have a night off every week just with the girls. We do all kinds of stuff but mostly it just gives us a night to gab and eat treats with the girls. I'm gonna try your goals for this week and stop complaining. I think it'll make all the difference. Thanks!

[Ornery's Wife]

What a great post, and so necessary for many. Having an attitude of gratitude is probably the most important part of your list, as it takes the focus off the things I don't have and puts it on the things I DO have. And that, my friend, is MUCH!!

Merry Christmas!
TM

[Sarah @ Real Life]

Wow, Fussy! There is so much wisdom in this, I'm going to have to read it a few more times. Thanks for writing this, and for the laughs, too!

PS I'm a MOPS fanatic, too.

[Trina]

I tend to want the same thing from my hubby, telling him how awful it is dealing with my 4 1/2 yo in the mornings getting ready for school. She is so unwilling to cooperate with me most of the time that I usually end up spanking her and then venting to him about how awful it was. I don't know what I want him to say but the whole altar thing is interesting LOL (kidding)

[SAHMmy Says]

Great stuff. I paid $55 to join a local MOPS group--money well spent for the opportunity to meet likeminded women. Don't forget to respect your husband during the venting sessions--whine about your kids, your messy house, your lack of energy...but never your husband.

[laane]

Great post.
Made me smile at times.

My gram told me to rest when he's gone and to work when he's there, so eventually he'll appreciate what's going on.

Let's say the kids are teaching him to say thank you once a year or so.

Feel welcome to visit my blog at

http://www.laaneworld.com/2007/12/works-for-me_19.html

to see what works for me.

Merry Christmas
and a
Happy New Year!

[Karen @ Simply A Musing Blog]

Fussy...
I needed to read this today. Thanks for sharing your wisdom - today instead of "I know", I'll say "I grow".

[Makeshift Mama]

I have spent the last two weeks avoiding complaining to my husband at all. If I find myself telling him about something negative, I instantly counter it with something positive that outweighs it (e.g. "our daughter was really fussy today, but GUESS WHAT she learned a song and we had a giggle fight and it was SO MUCH FUN!). Hubby's response has been shocking - it has been years since he was this affectionate and attentive! I asked him two days ago if I seemed like a more pleasant person to be around the last few weeks and my man, who ALWAYS ponders before he speaks, said "YES!!!" practically before the words were out of my mouth! Thanks for the marital makeover!!

[Makeshift Mama]

I have spent the last two weeks avoiding complaining to my husband at all. If I find myself telling him about something negative, I instantly counter it with something positive that outweighs it (e.g. "our daughter was really fussy today, but GUESS WHAT she learned a song and we had a giggle fight and it was SO MUCH FUN!). Hubby's response has been shocking - it has been years since he was this affectionate and attentive! I asked him two days ago if I seemed like a more pleasant person to be around the last few weeks and my man, who ALWAYS ponders before he speaks, said "YES!!!" practically before the words were out of my mouth! Thanks for the marital makeover!!

[Makeshift Mama]

I have spent the last two weeks avoiding complaining to my husband at all. If I find myself telling him about something negative, I instantly counter it with something positive that outweighs it (e.g. "our daughter was really fussy today, but GUESS WHAT she learned a song and we had a giggle fight and it was SO MUCH FUN!). Hubby's response has been shocking - it has been years since he was this affectionate and attentive! I asked him two days ago if I seemed like a more pleasant person to be around the last few weeks and my man, who ALWAYS ponders before he speaks, said "YES!!!" practically before the words were out of my mouth! Thanks for the marital makeover!!

[Makeshift Mama]

sorry - I was having some technical difficulties there -didn't mean to spam your comments section...