The Gentle Art of Ruling One's Husband- Surviving Parenthood

Since I began my marriage series, I have been surprised by both the emails I receive, and the eyeball raising Google searches that lead people to my site.

Some doozies have been:

• Women squash men's testicles.
• Why my husband doesn't love me anymore.
• How married people grow apart.
• How to make husband be loving.
• How to not be an old hag.

OK, the first one is the most eye opening. What was that search about?

Most of all, I have heard time and time again, that after kids it all just fizzles.

Can your marriage survive parenthood unscathed?

Marriage + Young Kids = Exhaustion

I have been both touched and enlightened by the responses I have received. I am, by default, a MommyBlogger, and focus my attention on what I know best. I understand husbands and wives in the trenches of life with young children. Studies show that the most stressful, and least satisfying years of marriage are the ones spent while raising young children.

It is important to keep in mind, however, that marital happiness is at its lowest point while raising children, but a married couple, with children, still report higher levels of happiness than the general population.

Sleep deprivation, spending days on end cleaning horrific things out of carpets during kid's bout with the flu, and financial stress all take a toll on us.

It is way too easy to let the everyday interactions with our lesser halves be scripted, full of passive aggressive verbal jabs, emotional stonewalling, and arguments over household labor division.

How do we change course, even if the throes of childrearing?  We know the normal suggestions from the experts.

• Go on a weekly date night. Does anyone really do that?
• Spice up your sex life. Yuck, a french maids uniform does nothing for me!
• Discuss our needs and issues with spouse and develop a mutually agreeable plan to divide household chores evenly. Good luck with that one.

Do these things really work? Sometimes.

I do get the occasional email describing how wonderful a husband is. How he cooks, cleans, changes the baby, and gives his wife pedicures. OK, I made that last part up! I think that is great, it's just I don't think it is the norm. I think these hubbies are the exception rather than the rule.

So what are some realistic ways we can help bring back a little more married bliss and less married blah? Here are a few ideas-

Have a few moments alone everyday.

Sounds easy right? Not so much. Many of us are so busy that we are scheduled until we crash at night.

Who did we forget? Yep, our spouse.

Who do we 'grow apart' from? Yep, our spouse.

Life is tough, the pressures, the worries, the exhaustion. The best way to deal with the stresses is to, at the end of the day, spend some time with your hubby. This is a great way to reconnect.

No, I'm not talking sex yet, just spending a few minutes snuggled up on the couch or chit chatting about things other than children.

Testicles, why not let him keep them?

If you want to lose respect for him and completely mess your kids up, be sure to emasculate your hubby.

When we control, criticize, and condemn everything he does it damages more than we know!

Yes, he's not perfect, but he is yours. Look on the bright side. When you start getting bummed about your lesser half, you must do things to snap out of it before any damage is done. Before I say anything negative to my husband, I like to say a quick prayer and do a quick mental run-down of some of his good points.

Many times we do have to step in when they have bad ideas. My hubby, who is not blessed with the handy-man gene, has a romantic idea about buying a "fixer-upper" farmhouse one day.

Instead of letting loose with some snappy testicle-shrinking quips** about his total ineptitude doing handiwork around the house, I have learned to be the ever present diplomat.

Growing up in the South, our Mommas always said, "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar." Truer words were never said.

If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Continue working on editing the nagging tendency to be critical.

If you missed the beginning of the series, please check back here.

Please, I beg you ladies, avoid passive aggression like the plague. Nothing is worse than passive aggressive comments in relationships. Unfortunately, many of us unconsciously learned these techniques watching our own mother's behavior. Subconscious family dynamics from our family of origin is an all-to-common roadblock in marriages.

Not to add any extra pressure but, it is a fact that if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. And, if Momma is a hag, the whole family will just implode!

The emotional climate in the house is almost always set by the woman. No husband and kids can stay grumpy when up against a cheerful and loving woman.

Look for the humor in everything. Humor is the refuge in the middle of life's storms. When you and your lesser half can learn to seek out something to laugh about, I promise, it will bring you together like magic.

OK, Ladies, it's your turn this week. What are your great tips for bringing marital bliss and less marital blahs? How do you and your lesser half keep it all together in the middle of the whirlwind of life?

I can't wait to hear everyone's tips and tricks!

"The wise woman builds her house,
       but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." -Proverbs 14:1

Gentle Arts Archives-

• Where ya' been, you sexy thang?
• Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

**"Reckless words pierce like a sword,
       but the tongue of the wise brings healing." -Proverbs 12:18

Comments

[flubkemann]

I so agree that my own cheerfulness makes or breaks the marriage climate. And I've learned that I cannot expect someone ELSE to make me happy...I have to assume responsibility for my own attitudes, no matter what the circumstances.
Another thing I've learned is that it pays to be willing to 'waste time' for some togetherness. Sometimes it's better not to talk much. My husband loves to putter (er... WORK) in his shop. I have a chair there, and sit with my needlepoint or book and wait for him to talk. It's worked for 40 years and he thinks I'm wonderful! Of course I could be doing more productive things, but this is important. I don't believe you can schedule 'quality time'...it just happens in the middle of 'quantity time.'

[UncommonBlonde]

"after kids it all just fizzles." Well, as someone who has not yet joined the mommy club I must say I am inspired by that one Let's get started! I do think my hubby is one of the exceptions. (spoken by a woman with no children) One thing I try to do is when I am irritated because he keeps leaving dishes in the sink I try to wait until I am not annoyed and say "I've noticed there have been a lot of dishes in the sink lately, would you help me keep it clear? It really helps to come home from work and not feel like everything is a mess." Making it a request like we're a "team" and giving a reason seems to make him less defensive

[Heather]

My advice is waiting until you are a little older. My husband and I married when we were both 28, and had our first baby at 30. I think that additional time together before starting a family, age, and life experience helped us weather the early years of child rearing, though nothing could have prepared us for the changes our relationship would endure. I think of my mom, who had her first child at the age of 20, and can't imagine how she did it at such a young age. What also works for me is spending time completely alone at night after the kids are asleep. Sometimes, I just don't want to see anyone or utter another word. My husband understands this, and on those nights leaves me completely alone in our room with a good book and sweet silence.

[Reggie]

Well, I couldn't agree more, Mommy Fussy! I've found the hard way that the only person's behavior that I can change is my own. Besides, my hubby is a much simpler person to please than I am, so if I do the few things it takes to keep him happy he more than triples the return. Hopefully that makes sense. We got married young & waited 6 years to have kids; I don't think that had much to do with how things were after kiddos because everything changed drastically at that point! We had to recollect ourselves after the tornado hit. Still working on the time thing, and especially the "not talking about the kids" when spending alone time :)

Might I share some sage advice from my husband's great aunt, who has been married 68 years (!), dispensed to me at our wedding: "I never had a 'headache'. Not once in (then)60 years."

[Rachel]

Absolutely wonderful, as always.
We're still relative newbies. We've been married 6 1/2 years and together nearly 10. We have one of the best marriages of anyone we know.
We communicate. No passive aggressive games. We never speak out of anger, we made an agreement a long time ago that if we get that mad... walk away, take a breather and come back later. No getting mad if the other has to walk away for a bit. We are alway supportive, always a team and although we are a team, we help each other to maintain our individual identities. We are a couple and parents, but we are also people.
Pick your battles, always say I love you, it really is the little things that matter, pray together, have family meals, date night when you can, talk constantly but enjoy the silence because it means you are that comfortable.
Love with all you are, kiss passionately at least once a day, hug for no reason, hold hands just because and say Thank you... just for being you.

[Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants]

Great advice & tips, Friends of Fussy. I think the comments on this post will be better than the original entry! ;)

Y'all make my job so easy!

[Heather]

Everyone's comments are great! I agree that alone time to snuggle and re-connect works wonders. Since I'm an early riser, and so is the baby, once I get the baby fed and occupied with some toys, I like to go in and snuggle with hubby before he gets up. It's a nice way to start the day.

I also like to send him pix on his cell phone while he's at work. Pix of me, or the baby, or both, just let him know that I am thinking of him.

[themommykelly]

OK Fussy, I can't offer advice... I am in desperate need of as much of it as I can get! I'll just go crawl under a rock right now. I feel like such a miserable wife!

[AbsolutelyBananas]

"Testicles, why not let him keep them?"
You are HILARIOUS.
I guess my advice would be communication, being silly with eachother, and taking time to be together... even if it's just turning off the TV after the kid is in bed so you can talk.

[Michelle]

Love the testicles tag line! HA!

I am blessed with a happy marriage and a man who gets it. We do work on it. As you suggested, we are kind to each other. No snarking at the other's expense. Yes we tease - but with love. We also try to keep some dating behaviors. When he gets up, he asks if I want or need anything. Despite the fact neither of us wants to go out, one of us will volunteer to go get something the other really wants (this usually involves ice cream). He still opens my door for me. We thank each other for the things we do. It isn't rocket science and doesn't take huge effort - just a lot of little things can help keep everyone happy.

Great post.

[Honeybell]

One thing I noticed early in life was that so many married couples seemed to be more polite to complete strangers than they are to each other. That is a main point Mr. Honeybell and I demand from each other, decency and politeness. He's my best friend and partner for life, in common everyday interaction he deserves at least the regard I'd give a stranger on the street.
This also has the added benefit of teaching our kids by example. We haven't had to teach "please", thank you", or "excuse me" to them, as they do it automatically from hearing it so much at home.

[~JJ!]

Yeah. This is all so true.

I wish I had some tricks...I NEED some tricks. I have none to give on marriage...

[Jennifer's luvin' Fussy]

Whew, I've had to do without internet and fussypants for a couple of weeks now and I just finished catching up on what I missed. Sorry, I didn't make it for the best blog voting.
As for tips and tricks I'm too busy just readjusting my attitude and perspective of my marriage and hubby. Keep up the good work.

[Karla ~ Looking Towards Heaven]

Sean and I have been talking about this a lot lately. After the birth of each of our children, after the euphoria of a new baby begins to fade and the baby is demanding my time and he is missing his wife... it takes a conscious effort to connect. We are really having to MAKE ourselves. We totally love each others company. But it is hard to always have some meaningful time.

I have to tell you that your posts have really inspired me (these and Fight the Frump) I've been really aware of how I am presenting myself and pulling myself together. When my look is pulled together, I definitely feel a lot better about myself.

THANKS!!!!

Hugs and blessings,
K

[Sarah]

My hubby and I have a few things we do to keep from drifting apart. He calls me every day from work during his break just to chat for 5-10 minutes. After we put the kids down at night we spend at least 10 minutes talking about politics or the news (no kid or work talk allowed). Every morning, the one who gets up with the baby (we alternate) gets the other a cup of coffee or tea and a smile to wake up to. We ALWAYS kiss each other good-night.
There are many other little things we do for each other throughout the week to show that we really care for and respect the other. I know that we grow closer together every day and we both make an effort to keep it that way.

[Sarcastic Mom]

I have found that the best way to keep this marriage going is for my husband to rub my feet and my back daily, send me flowers, play with my hair, and let me veg while he does the dishes, etc. I can appreciate him as my mate so much more when he just gets it.

HAHA.

Really, you wrote a great post here, and I agree with you completely. John and I try our best to connect every day, even when he's gone, by talking and listening.

[Sylana]

My husband and I have been married 13 years as of next month, and have 3 lovely, but very active children. Being from a small town, there's really not a whole lot to go out and do. We play games- video games, not Scrabble or Monopoly. We're both computer geeks and gaming fans, so we play MMORPGs. It give us a relatively cheap way to enjoy ourselves, we've met a lot of really cool people, plus it's a good way to take out one's frustrations on beasties rather than each other. And yes, at the moment we're on the same game, though that's not always the case. I think most couples think that once they have kids, they're not allowed to do fun things for themselves anymore. The kids get everything- games, tv, sports, whatever, but the parents spend all their time working and worrying about whether the kitchen floor is shiny enough. Give it a rest, folks. Nobody really cares if the blinds are dusted or the silverware you never use is polished. Most of us don't entertain enough that it's really an issue. Keep the house clean, yes, but unless you're in the military, no one's going to be running a white glove down the cabinets. Take a day or two a week off from cleaning and running the kids around, and enjoy yourselves. Watch a movie, talk walks, play a game. Have a pillow fight with your kids at bedtime. And when they're asleep, cuddle up on the couch with a good book and a bowl of popcorn. Or do whatever floats your boat. Just pick something relaxing- spend a couple of hours not worrying about bills or when the kids have to be places. And don't overschedule fun time- if the monopoly game runs long, the movie will still be there tomorrow. The point is, have FUN. Enjoy yourself. In the long run, it'll pay off- you'll be happier because you've de-stressed, hubby will be happier because he gets to spend time with you, and the kids will see that adults can be fun too, and take that with them to their own relationships.

[Beck]

My marital advice? Be nice. Marry a nice person. Stay polite to each other even when it's really tempting not to be. Do not sleep with other people. Put the kids to be early enough that you can actually spend some time together every night.
Pretty small stuff, really.