Fussy's Handy Ways To Ruin Your Marriage

Here are three easy ways to make your lesser half run for cover everytime he sees you-

1) Do 'Drive-by Hit' Phone Calls- Call him at work, preferably in the middle of an important meeting. When he asks what is wrong, be very vague. Simply repeat this mantra, "Honey, when you get home, we really need to talk." Despite his pleas for information, do not give any.

When he arrives home, tearfully tell him how you just don't 'feel the love' anymore. Explain to Hubs that you aren't exactly sure what you need, you just need him to make you feel better.

2) Expect Him To Act Your Best Girlfriend- Don't vent and blow off steam to your best friends. Expect your Hubs to fill that role. As soon as he walks in the door in the evenings, give him the dramatic run-down of every. single. thing. that happened.

Did the baby poop in the bathtub? Tell him in great detail. Did Johnny bite Suzie? Tell him all about it and then suggest he look find for a good child psychologist. After all, Johnnie could grow up to be a violent outcast!

Expect your husband to be your main source of validation and emotional comfort in the evenings. If he fails to live up to that ideal, be sure to tell him in great detail exactly how he has let you down.

Convince yourself this always works well to motivate husbands to be more caring and attentive. Tell yourself that men love to hear where they need to do better.

3)Compare Him To Other Men- Is bank account a wee-tad low? Is your garage still overflowing with his unfinished projects? Do you wish he would be a better dad?

Simply find men who, from their outside appearances, seem to be doing a better job and tell him about it. Tell him that Mike down the street is always out fixing his house and playing football with the kids, and you want Hubs to more like him. Just tell your husband about Mike, how he just bought his wife a new diamond ring, how he is so handy and is an attentive, great dad.

Every high-maintenance wife knows that comparing other men to their own husband is a very fulfilling hobby and is guaranteed to motivate Hubs to change his lazy ways.

After just a few short weeks, if you work hard using these methods, Hubs will be running to file those divorce papers. Enjoy the fall out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have I mentioned that I've been hard at work preparing to launch my marriage site? Oh, I have 6 million times? Sorry.

Remember this? It's coming back!

Don't worry, the marriage site will actually not be a how to ruin your marriage site, but based on my Gentle Art of Ruling Your Husband Series. This is just a fun post in my Ruin Your life Series. I haven't done one in a while. ;)

Love you -you wonderful Friend of Fussy,

Mrs. Fussypants

Mwah!

~Would you please give me a vote? I am one of the top five finalists for Best New Blog at the 2008 Bloggies? Please do & let me know. I'll be making a blogroll of all the people who vote! Thank you!~

Comments

[Kim]

Crap. I am so guilty of #1 & #2 (um.. that sounds kinda gross).. BUT I have let him keep his testies so I guess I am not that bad right? LOL

[Christina]

Ha, I clearly am not doing enough to drive my husband away. When I compare him with other men, it's usually me telling stories of how awful these other guys are, and how glad I am that he doesn't act like them.

I do tell him a lot of the drudge of my day, but that's mostly because most of my local girlfriends are child-free, and he'd understand better than they would about why I was so happy Cordy tried some new food.

Guess I need to try harder. ;)

[Anglophile Football Fanatic]

Oh, so that's what I'm doing wrong. Thank you O'Wise One. I just wasn't trying hard enough.

[Shannon Miller]

If you're in a hurry, wait until he is clearly "in the mood" and say "why don't you ever just want to hold me anymore?" That works fast!

[Marlee]

Ha ha! My husband is currently working on the MEN'S version of this one!! ;)

[Jamie]

I am guilty of #2, especially when I was at home with Miss A for almost a year.

Any way, he basically said, "Honey I am not your roommate or girlfriend."

The last thing he wanted to hear the nanosecond he walked in the door from working all day long was me b*tching about my crazy day! ;)

There's a time and a place for everything. Hey, I've been married for 10 years and I'm STILL learning!

[Heather]

Great post, Fussy! So much to remember in keeping those home fires burning. I'm thankful that my hubby is not a typical guy - he actually LIKES hearing about the poopy diapers! (But he likes talking about poop in general, so that shouldn't surprise me!)

[Burgh Baby's Mom]

Is Mike available? I mean, I know you said he's married, but is he AVAILABLE? I think I might have a little crush on him.

[Rachel]

Ha Ha :-) These always make me giggle! :-)

[Beck]

So you're saying I shouldn't do those things? I think I'm really guilty of one and two - but not three, thank God.

[HRH]

Really, doesn't everyone enjoy a good poop in the bathtub story? I think you could add that one to your next series, "How to drive your friends without children away" (if I may be so bold as to suggest a future Fussy topic).

Loved it!

[Domestic Chicky]

Fortunately (or maybe not?!?), my husband only has to deal with this once a month, when PMS Chicky comes to visit...

Did you do something new with your hair? It looks AMAZING! ;)

[The Nester]

Very funny. And, ouch.

[justmylife]

So now I know why my husband is running away every chance he gets. I am guilty of those. Hurry, I need your martial advice!:)

[Sleeping Mommy]

But Fussy, he IS my best friend! Although I will say this. I don't hit him the second he comes in the house with all the details anymore.

It helps that he has a flexible job and is often in and out of the house all day long (works from home mostly) and KNOWS what is going down as it goes down in most cases.

I was a lot worse about this back when he had a regular 8-5 kind of job.

[Sleeping Mommy]

Oh and one other thing, he does number 2 to me too when I've been in class. So can we just say we are even? (I get text messages from him on all that is going down throughout my classes)

[Heather]

Fussy, your insight always amazes me. I'd be lost without you.

[Karla ~ Looking Towards Heaven]

seriously love these.

you need to submit them to this: http://www.dailyblogtips.com/blog-writing-project-tutorials/

blessings,
K

[Christine]

I am SO looking forward to your new sites!

[Karen]

Drat. And I just de-testicled him. Can that be undone?

[Queen of Shake Shake]

Good got, what do I need Wally's testicles for when I have my own?

[Pam]

You reminded me of this example of how women and men reflect on their days differently. Man comes home says "How was you day Honey?" "Well I got up early and made the kids breakfast cereal, then got them dressed and was going to go to the store with my grocery list but I had a flat tire. I called a repair shop and they were too busy to I called another one you know the one over on first street and they came an hour later and the man was quite a talker and you know what her was married to Suzzy.....remember Suzzy? Well I finally got to the store and of course I forgot my list...so we are having ceral for dinner. How was you day honey??? He says "I had a flat tire.

[Army Wife]

Where were you 7 years ago? My life would have soooo much easier. Thankfully I did not ruin my marriage. I was married at 18 and still had a bit of growing up to do. My husband was very understanding and patient with me :) Great post!!

[Andrea]

I am working hard on ruining my marriage, but Mr. MBA Sperm Donor refuses to be shaken. Please do help me reform, though, before I take it too far. There must be a perfect balance between perfect wife of the 1950's and Queen of the Universe. Tell me there is.

[Jasmine31]

This was funny. Thanx for the chuckle!

[SAHMmy Says]

Hilarious post! Can't wait for the launch of the new blog! You inspired me to start my own marriage series. I'm sure I'll be linking like mad to your new blog. On #3: I'm always very careful about how I talk about my own fabulous dad to make sure it doesn't come out sounding like a comparison or accusation.

[Karen @ Simply A Musing Blog]

Any one of those things would definitely run my husband off...

[Audra Marie]

LOL - love this post! Wisdom packed with humor. :)

[Miriam]

Okay, ma'am. I have voted for you. And I think I made the right choice. Great blog!

[Rain]

This was just too funny!! Thanks for a great laugh today.

[Dawn]

love the testicle bling :)

[Rhonda]

Hi Fussy, I had you as my #1 tutorial pick! I'm looking forward to your marraige site. Please checkout my wedding blog when you get the chance.

Rhonda