Mrs Fussypants: Ruin Your Life Series

How to be a social downer

1. Show how totally unimpressed you are with the whole world.

Expressing just how "above it all" you really are is a great way to show your superiority. This works to quickly set yourself apart from the people having mindless fun.

2. Share all your most recent embarrassing and depressing details of your life.

When asked how you've been, it is important to really share all the intimate details of your life. Lost love, bankruptcy, addictions, and hemorrhoids are all important topics to catch people up on.

If you are making a new friend, these things really help show how authentic and wonderful you really are.

3.Stare intently in the other person's eyes and start discussing all your odd, obscure interests.

Stare in the other person's eyes with intensity for long periods of time. This will build an instant deep connection.

Share your passions in coin collecting, Star Trek conventions, collecting porcelain dolls from Asia, and your deep belief in Scientology.

4. When the conversation begins to focus on the other person show your annoyance.

Looking away and yawning are both quick and easy ways to remind the other person who is wearing the pants in the conversation. It is important to establish your dominance in the conversation, and work hard to keep the topics about you.

If your subtle non-verbal hints are not properly noticed, be sure to just start interrupting, talking over and talking WITH GREAT VOLUME! Even with the most dim-witted conversationalist this will normally do the trick.

5. Keep it real.

Throw away those silly social rules. Follow your own inner rules of behavior. Keep it real, and be strident that you will behave in public exactly as you do at home. Keep it real, Yo!

Follow these 5 easy steps and enjoy the fallout!

Love, Fussy

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How to Ruin your Life~ Pop Culture style

Pop Culture- handle with care. A tiny bit can be tasty, but too much is down right poisonous! Let's take a look at some of Pop Culture's messages that, if believed, can easily ruin your life!

How to Ruin your Life in 3 Easy Steps~ Pop Culture Style

1) More Money = More Happiness. Be sure to spend lots of time fantasizing about how much better life would be if you had more money. Picture your hair flying back gracefully as you drive that convertible Mercedes. How impressed the ladies at church will be when Hubs gets that matching stainless steel kitchen set. And, of course, how much better the kids will be when all their desires can be fulfilled.

In the mean time, there will be a huge disappointment with your real life. You will look at your own life with disdain and disappointment. Instead of feeling ashamed by your status, use the feeling to motivate Hubs.

Start a constant refrain of motivational talks with Hubs. Tell him of your feelings of disappointment of how he provides for the family. After enough time, he will either get a second job, start selling crack, or file divorce papers. Either way, it is most important to share all of your feelings. Embrace your truth!

2) Being More Beautiful = More Happiness. Don't just Fight the Frump, go on an all out beauty transformation. When you get out of the shower, go over every flaw as you dress. Develop an unnatural obsession with the shape, texture and feel of your thighs. Know in your heart that if you could just control those extra jiggles, you would be happy. Complain often to friends about your thighs in hopes they will soothe your ego. This will work especially well when you complain to friends who are heavier than you.

Start saving money for plastic surgery. Watch Dr. 90210 and Nip/Tuck faithfully. Dream about how much happier you will be when your nose is straightened and your implants are in. When you recover from your surgery, start saving for the next. You'll be surprised to learn the elation over surgery doesn't last long. Get on a 5 year plan and schedule new procedures every year. Then you'll really feel happy!

3) New Marriage = New Happiness. Start keeping a mental list of all your Hubby's faults. Notice how the men on your favorite shows are so much nicer, more helpful and more loving. Never mind the fact that these shows are fiction, just become mildly disappointed by the Big-Lug on your couch.

Start fantasizing about how happy you will be with someone new. Someone who doesn't have all those annoying habits. Someone who doesn't do things that annoy you just to spite you! Because you know he leaves those hairs in the sink just to make you mad.

Brush aside concerns about the children and affects of divorce in them. Tell yourself that children are marvelously adaptable, and if you are happy, they will be happy, too. Focus in on research that states a divorce is healthier for kids than growing up in a household with constant conflict. See? It's for the children!

Never mind the fact that you are starting all the conflict. That's not important. You wouldn't have to start it if he would just do what you want!

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After you master theses three skills, you will be on your way to Pop Culture Diva status. Enjoy the fall-out.

Love, Fussy

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Fussy Teaches How To Raise Kids Just To Boost Your Ego

When kids are very young it is so easy to impose your own desires and personality on them. Say your sagging ego needs a boost, I have a quick parenting guide for you. Here are four easy ways to ~~ruin your child's life~~ raise children just to boost your own paltry ego.

1) Spend the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Zimbabwe on their daily playclothes.

Be sure to go bonkers if the children decide to actually play or get anywhere in the vicinity of paint, water or God's Green Earth.

2) Dedicate yourself to providing only the best and most exclusive furnishings and toys for your little angel.

Be sure to have Better Homes and Gardens and Parents magazines come take photos of your brilliant work. And never, ever let them play in it. Keep it all pristine. Give them a Playstation to keep them distracted when home.

3) Raise a prodigy.

Every loving parent thinks their child is brilliant, show them all that yours really is!

Research shows that child prodigies generally never fit in well to society and are depressed adults, but don't let that slow you down. Enjoy the limelight while you can!

4) Become a Pageant Mom!

Why not place an all-consuming obsession with your daughter's appearance early? Beat your friends to the fun.

Ah, cosmetics, cash, and superficial obsession. Enjoy that fallout in about 10 years!

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Next time you are at The Junior League meeting with Betty-Lou-Better-Than-You just remember to follow my tips and say-

Love, Fussy

PS- This post is guaranteed to get tons of hatemail. Please forward it to- WeHateFussy@OvercompetitiveMoms.com I'll read them after my kids finish making mud pies.

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Fussy's Five Ways to Spoil Your Children

Five Handy Ways to Spoil Your Children

1) Spend more money than you make to give your children everything their hearts desire. Tell yourself that you do this because you want to give them a happy childhood. If all their friends have it, it would be wrong not to give them the same things. Even though the more you buy for them, the more they complain of boredom.

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2) Schedule every free moment with 'enrichment'. If they get bored, make sure to fill their time with every possible activity possible. You may also want to get a second job to cover the cost. Hey, it's for the kids, right?

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3) Give constant praise and compliments. Constantly work to reinforce your children's self-esteem. Lavish praise and compliments of all kinds. Tell your children how special, smart and wonderful they are with out any effort put forth.

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4) Always take your children's side, no matter what. When any problem arises in your child's life be sure to always take the position that your child is a victim of other's misdeeds.

Childhood squabbles? Tell your child how awful the other child is and call the offenders parents and let them have it!

Teacher is mean? March up to the principle and file a complaint.

Be sure to disregard any evidence that refutes your position!

Let 'em have it, Mamma!

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5) Take away all chances your children have for personal growth. Take away the opportunity your children have to overcome obstacles and for learning to tolerate frustration and delay gratification. Look at childhood as a time of pure bliss and without responsibilities. Give your child the childhood you wished you received.

The best way to remove all opportunities for growth is be a proud Helicopter Parent and hover above your children ready to take away all stress!

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Enjoy the fallout from these tips!

Love, Fussy

PS- Hey, Friends of Fussy, notice all those little hyperlinks randomly put in the text? They each link to a parenting article that I recommend. Why put them in? Because I love you, of course.

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Fussy's Handy Ways To Ruin Your Marriage

Here are three easy ways to make your lesser half run for cover everytime he sees you-

1) Do 'Drive-by Hit' Phone Calls- Call him at work, preferably in the middle of an important meeting. When he asks what is wrong, be very vague. Simply repeat this mantra, "Honey, when you get home, we really need to talk." Despite his pleas for information, do not give any.

When he arrives home, tearfully tell him how you just don't 'feel the love' anymore. Explain to Hubs that you aren't exactly sure what you need, you just need him to make you feel better.

2) Expect Him To Act Your Best Girlfriend- Don't vent and blow off steam to your best friends. Expect your Hubs to fill that role. As soon as he walks in the door in the evenings, give him the dramatic run-down of every. single. thing. that happened.

Did the baby poop in the bathtub? Tell him in great detail. Did Johnny bite Suzie? Tell him all about it and then suggest he look find for a good child psychologist. After all, Johnnie could grow up to be a violent outcast!

Expect your husband to be your main source of validation and emotional comfort in the evenings. If he fails to live up to that ideal, be sure to tell him in great detail exactly how he has let you down.

Convince yourself this always works well to motivate husbands to be more caring and attentive. Tell yourself that men love to hear where they need to do better.

3)Compare Him To Other Men- Is bank account a wee-tad low? Is your garage still overflowing with his unfinished projects? Do you wish he would be a better dad?

Simply find men who, from their outside appearances, seem to be doing a better job and tell him about it. Tell him that Mike down the street is always out fixing his house and playing football with the kids, and you want Hubs to more like him. Just tell your husband about Mike, how he just bought his wife a new diamond ring, how he is so handy and is an attentive, great dad.

Every high-maintenance wife knows that comparing other men to their own husband is a very fulfilling hobby and is guaranteed to motivate Hubs to change his lazy ways.

After just a few short weeks, if you work hard using these methods, Hubs will be running to file those divorce papers. Enjoy the fall out!

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Have I mentioned that I've been hard at work preparing to launch my marriage site? Oh, I have 6 million times? Sorry.

Remember this? It's coming back!

Don't worry, the marriage site will actually not be a how to ruin your marriage site, but based on my Gentle Art of Ruling Your Husband Series. This is just a fun post in my Ruin Your life Series. I haven't done one in a while. ;)

Love you -you wonderful Friend of Fussy,

Mrs. Fussypants

Mwah!

~Would you please give me a vote? I am one of the top five finalists for Best New Blog at the 2008 Bloggies? Please do & let me know. I'll be making a blogroll of all the people who vote! Thank you!~

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How to be a Social Downer

The pressure of all the get-togethers and Christmas parties have reached the peak this week. I thought it be fun to have a quick guide on how to be a complete schmuck at all social occasions. Enjoy...

1. Show how totally unimpressed you are with the whole event.