fussypants

How to be a social downer

1. Show how totally unimpressed you are with the whole world.

Expressing just how "above it all" you really are is a great way to show your superiority. This works to quickly set yourself apart from the people having mindless fun.

2. Share all your most recent embarrassing and depressing details of your life.

When asked how you've been, it is important to really share all the intimate details of your life. Lost love, bankruptcy, addictions, and hemorrhoids are all important topics to catch people up on.

If you are making a new friend, these things really help show how authentic and wonderful you really are.

3.Stare intently in the other person's eyes and start discussing all your odd, obscure interests.   

Stare in the other person's eyes with intensity for long periods of time. This will build an instant deep connection.

Share your passions in coin collecting, Star Trek conventions, collecting porcelain dolls from Asia, and your deep belief in Scientology. 

4. When the conversation begins to focus on the other person show your annoyance.

 

Looking away and yawning are both quick and easy ways to remind the other person who is wearing the pants in the conversation. It is important to establish your dominance in the conversation, and work hard to keep the topics about you.

If your subtle non-verbal hints are not properly noticed, be sure to just start interrupting, talking over and talking WITH GREAT VOLUME! Even with the most dim-witted conversationalist this will normally do the trick.

5. Keep it real.

Throw away those silly social rules. Follow your own inner rules of behavior. Keep it real, and be strident that you will behave in public exactly as you do at home. Keep it real, Yo!

Follow these 5 easy steps and enjoy the fallout!

Love, Fussy

How to Ruin your Life~ Pop Culture style

Pop Culture- handle with care. A tiny bit can be tasty, but too much is down right poisonous! Let's take a look at some of Pop Culture's messages that, if believed, can easily ruin your life!

How to Ruin your Life in 3 Easy Steps~ Pop Culture Style

1) More Money = More Happiness. Be sure to spend lots of time fantasizing about how much better life would be if you had more money. Picture your hair flying back gracefully as you drive that convertible Mercedes. How impressed the ladies at church will be when Hubs gets that matching stainless steel kitchen set. And, of course, how much better the kids will be when all their desires can be fulfilled.

In the mean time, there will be a huge disappointment with your real life. You will look at your own life with disdain and disappointment. Instead of feeling ashamed by your status, use the feeling to motivate Hubs.

Start a constant refrain of motivational talks with Hubs. Tell him of your feelings of disappointment of how he provides for the family. After enough time, he will either get a second job, start selling crack, or file divorce papers. Either way, it is most important to share all of your feelings. Embrace your truth!

2) Being More Beautiful = More Happiness. Don't just Fight the Frump, go on an all out beauty transformation. When you get out of the shower, go over every flaw as you dress. Develop an unnatural obsession with the shape, texture and feel of your thighs. Know in your heart that if you could just control those extra jiggles, you would be happy. Complain often to friends about your thighs in hopes they will soothe your ego. This will work especially well when you complain to friends who are heavier than you.

Start saving money for plastic surgery. Watch Dr. 90210 and Nip/Tuck faithfully. Dream about how much happier you will be when your nose is straightened and your implants are in. When you recover from your surgery, start saving for the next. You'll be surprised to learn the elation over surgery doesn't last long. Get on a 5 year plan and schedule new procedures every year. Then you'll really feel happy!

3) New Marriage = New Happiness. Start keeping a mental list of all your Hubby's faults. Notice how the men on your favorite shows are so much nicer, more helpful and more loving. Never mind the fact that these shows are fiction, just become mildly disappointed by the Big-Lug on your couch.

Start fantasizing about how happy you will be with someone new. Someone who doesn't have all those annoying habits. Someone who doesn't do things that annoy you just to spite you! Because you know he leaves those hairs in the sink just to make you mad.

Brush aside concerns about the children and affects of divorce in them. Tell yourself that children are marvelously adaptable, and if you are happy, they will be happy, too. Focus in on research that states a divorce is healthier for kids than growing up in a household with constant conflict. See? It's for the children!

Never mind the fact that you are starting all the conflict. That's not important. You wouldn't have to start it if he would just do what you want!

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After you master theses three skills, you will be on your way to Pop Culture Diva status. Enjoy the fall-out.

Love, Fussy

How to Ruin your Life in 3 Easy Steps~ Pop Culture Style

1) More Money = More Happiness. Be sure to spend lots of time fantasizing about how much better life would be if you had more money. Picture your hair flying back gracefully as you drive that convertible Mercedes. How impressed the ladies at church will be when Hubs gets that matching stainless steel kitchen set. And, of course, how much better the kids will be when all their desires can be fulfilled.

In the mean time, there will be a huge disappointment with your real life. You will look at your own life with disdain and disappointment. Instead of feeling ashamed by your status, use the feeling to motivate Hubs.

Start a constant refrain of motivational talks with Hubs. Tell him of your feelings of disappointment of how he provides for the family. After enough time, he will either get a second job, start selling crack, or file divorce papers. Either way, it is most important to share all of your feelings. Embrace your truth!

2) Being More Beautiful = More Happiness. Don't just Fight the Frump, go on an all out beauty transformation. When you get out of the shower, go over every flaw as you dress. Develop an unnatural obsession with the shape, texture and feel of your thighs. Know in your heart that if you could just control those extra jiggles, you would be happy. Complain often to friends about your thighs in hopes they will soothe your ego. This will work especially well when you complain to friends who are heavier than you.

Start saving money for plastic surgery. Watch Dr. 90210 and Nip/Tuck faithfully. Dream about how much happier you will be when your nose is straightened and your implants are in. When you recover from your surgery, start saving for the next. You'll be surprised to learn the elation over surgery doesn't last long. Get on a 5 year plan and schedule new procedures every year. Then you'll really feel happy!

3) New Marriage = New Happiness. Start keeping a mental list of all your Hubby's faults. Notice how the men on your favorite shows are so much nicer, more helpful and more loving. Never mind the fact that these shows are fiction, just become mildly disappointed by the Big-Lug on your couch.

Start fantasizing about how happy you will be with someone new. Someone who doesn't have all those annoying habits. Someone who doesn't do things that annoy you just to spite you! Because you know he leaves those hairs in the sink just to make you mad.

Brush aside concerns about the children and affects of divorce in them. Tell yourself that children are marvelously adaptable, and if you are happy, they will be happy, too. Focus in on research that states a divorce is healthier for kids than growing up in a household with constant conflict. See? It's for the children!

Never mind the fact that you are starting all the conflict. That's not important. You wouldn't have to start it if he would just do what you want!

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After you master theses three skills, you will be on your way to Pop Culture Diva status. Enjoy the fall-out.

Love, Fussy

Fussy Teaches How To Raise Kids Just To Boost Your Ego

 

When kids are very young it is so easy to impose your own desires and personality on them. Say your sagging ego needs a boost, I have a quick parenting guide for you. Here are four easy ways to ruin your child's life raise children just to boost your own paltry ego.

1) Spend the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Zimbabwe on their daily playclothes.

Be sure to go bonkers if the children decide to actually play or get anywhere in the vicinity of paint, water or God's Green Earth.

2) Dedicate yourself to providing only the best and most exclusive furnishings and toys for your little angel.

Be sure to have Better Homes and Gardens and Parents magazines come take photos of your brilliant work. And never, ever let them play in it. Keep it all pristine. Give them a Playstation to keep them distracted when home.

3) Raise a prodigy.

Every loving parent thinks their child is brilliant, show them all that yours really is!

Research shows that child prodigies generally never fit in well to society and are depressed adults, but don't let that slow you down. Enjoy the limelight while you can!

4) Become a Pageant Mom!

Why not place an all-consuming obsession with your daughter's appearance early? Beat your friends to the fun.

Ah, cosmetics, cash, and superficial obsession. Enjoy that fallout in about 10 years!

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Next time you are at The Junior League meeting with Betty-Lou-Better-Than-You just remember to follow my tips and say-

Love, Fussy

PS- This post is guaranteed to get tons of hatemail. Please forward it to- WeHateFussy@OvercompetitiveMoms.com I'll read them after my kids finish making mud pies.